Critics of Formula 1 have long argued that F1 is not a proper sport. This is largely because, they say, you don't need to be an athlete to drive a car and that, even if you do, "the person in the fastest car just wins anyway". They'll top this off by claiming that the 20 world's best drivers jostling around the most iconic places in the world at 200+mph is also a bit "boring".
These people are, of course, entirely wrong. It's true that Formula 1 has some problems, but these stem far deeper than a sycophant's rant about how equipment and financial backing shouldn't help someone excel in a sport (which, obviously, it never does).
For years, Formula 1 was managed by one Bernie Eccleston. Bernie's energy no doubt kept the sport interesting and engaging during his tenure but, over the years, he started to lose his grip on the sport, as well as his sanity. While Bernie's quirks were long celebrated, we all started to worry a bit about him, and then, when he pitched the idea of pouring water on the track at random points to keep the races interesting, everyone decided he'd officially lost it. So, F1 sought some new ownership.
This came in the form of Liberty Media and, initially, the new ownership looked very encouraging. They promised faster cars, more venues, more wheel-to-wheel racing, and - since burning thousands of gallons of fuel isn't a great look - vowed to make the sport a little bit greener too.
They first made their mark by updating the logo. Of course, no-one liked it, but never mind. They then gave Formula 1 a brand new theme tune, courtesy of legendary Hollywood film composer Brian Tyler, which sounded epic, and employed some actual humans to run their social media accounts.
They made some changes on the track, first by fixing safety: They finally introduced the revolutionary 'halo' around the cockpit which, since its conception, is thought to have already saved a few lives. These changes were of course celebrated by the F1 community, with only a small minority who weren't happy about the cars looking a bit different to what they were used to, and would have preferred the drivers to just die if they crashed instead.
Next, they got rid of the "grid girls" and the fallacy that women's sole contribution to the sport should be to stand gormlessly next to cars. They endorsed the W Series in a bid to show the world that racing isn't just fun when the head poking out the cockpit has an Adam's apple. The races are a bit shorter, sure, just in case 30 mins of watching 20 women better than you feels a bit threatening somehow, or they need to pee.
Following the Black Lives Matter movement, F1 introduced a segment at the start of each race to allow the drivers to show solidarity with our attempts to wipe out racism. As an extra bonus, they pledged the "we race as one" initiative and promised a new wave of inclusivity. All good stuff.
All in all, Liberty Media showed us that there's nothing more important to them than their loyal Formula 1 fans and showing respect for people all across the world, regardless of their gender, ethnicity, beliefs and background.
Well, except one thing: making lots and lots of money.
Yes, I know: It's naïve to think a sporting organisation isn't set up to make money, but it appears Liberty Media have about the same level of greed and ethical standards as moguls getting rich from hospital car parks.
Money, far above anything else, is at the very heart of Formula 1. While there are humble stories about Anthony Hamilton working multiple jobs to fund his son's career, too many drivers enter the sport simply because they have a privileged upbringing.
The only reason Lance Stroll is currently in the sport, for instance, is because daddy Lawrence Stroll, bought a team so he could be. This move is seen to be completely legit, even when it means kicking out fan favourite driver Niko Hülkenberg in doing so because he doesn't have the audacity to have a dad who's a billionaire.
Up until recently, we also had the thorough embarrassment Nikita Mazepin whose dad sponsored a team in exchange for his seat in the sport. This was done knowing full well he wouldn't have got one otherwise on account of him being a complete spanner, and spending most of the time pointing the car in the wrong direction.
Mazepin, taking the Haas car for a spin.
Obviously, it's extremely difficult to become a professional sportsperson, but sport should at least be easy to try out. Joe public will be quick to point out that anyone can take a football to a park, buy a cheap tennis racquet, or buy some trainers to run around a field. You can't, however, jump into a race car and kiss the apex of a hairpin. Defending F1 on the grounds that it's completely inaccessible unless you have a flat in Monaco and a privileged bloodline is rather difficult, and there are few things more embarrassing than losing an argument to a football fan.
Has anyone seen a missing comma?
If you really want to see how corrupt F1 is, look no further than who it chooses for its sponsors. For years, Formula 1 has thought nothing of encouraging their fans to become chain smokers and gamblers through advertising, but, by plastering billboards for crypt*.com around the circuits, it seems they now want them to lose all their money too.
What's remarkable is how this partnership somehow manages to undermine both their inclusivity and sustainability pledges in one foul swoop: When promoting sustainability in a sport, partnering with a company that encourages fans to buy imaginary coins obtained by nuking the environment probably isn't the wisest choice. Glamourising a Ponzi scheme set up to line the pockets of tedious, elitist, middle-class technophiles - the very type of people you swerve to avoid at a BBQ - is hardly a ringing endorsement for inclusivity either.
This, for me, was the sack of hay that broke the camel's back and I switched off from Formula 1 for good. It turns out this was for the best as I managed to avoid the absolute travesty of the Abu Dubai 2021 Grand Prix.
Good grief.
Unless you were living under a rock in December, you'll know that the race was due to end under a safety car, with Lewis Hamilton securing an astonishing 8th world championship and Red Bull's Max Verstappen bringing in a close 2nd.
But ending the final race under a safety car isn't very exciting, so, with Red Bull's Christian "Karen" Horner in one ear, and the producer of "Formula Netflix" in the other, race director Michael Masi decided to invent a couple of new rules on the spot to engineer a more exciting ending:
He ordered the safety car to come in earlier that it should have and, instead of all the drivers being able to un-lap themselves as usual, only the ones holding up Max Verstappen could. Also, instead of the lapped drivers having a full lap to make it safely round to their original positions, they just got a few seconds head start on the leaders and hoped they wouldn't get caught up by the two fastest drivers in the world.
All of this was orchestrated to allow Max Verstappen to close up and breeze past Hamilton on fresh tyres in a hectic final lap. Cue the fireworks, cue the hysterical commentary, and cue the headlines celebrating what an exciting sport F1 is and why you should watch it immediately. Everyone wins.
Except noone does. Lewis Hamilton is conned out of championship and Max Verstappen gets a whopping metaphorical asterix next to his. If you're wondering why, imagine a football team leading 5-1 in the World Cup final and the referee shouting "next goal wins!" - right after breaking the legs of the team in the lead.
Obviously, abusing the rule book like this was patently wrong. So wrong, in fact, that the race director was fired from his role, the FiA admitted that a mistake was made and promised that it would put this right. Putting it right, as it turns out, was simply promising it wouldn't happen again, and not doing something responsible like nullifying the last lap and reinstating the correct result, because that would have required them to have a spine.
So, as well as having utterly no morals, no respect for rules, and casually abusing the loyalty of their fans, it seems F1 has lost all its integrity as a sport, and that the drivers and their fans are simply puppets in their worldwide money-making tour.
Obviously, I'll never be watching Formula 1 again, so I'm on the lookout for a new sport. Ideally, one with some technicality, passionate but not hysterical fans, and one governed by an organisation that isn't riddled by corruption.
Curling, anyone...?
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